In which I attack helpless brand extensions because I am unable to overcome childhood traumas, or, Which Osmond Brother is Your Dream Date?
Monday, April 9th, 2007I was all ready to go off on the most recent Slumber Party Girls’ brand extension, KEWL. Last week’s press release begins:
DIC Entertainment (DIC), Geffen Records and Poets Road have collaborated on the launch of a new brand for tweens, KEWL, which includes a free quarterly celebrity music-driven branded magazine, a website and a television review series in development tentatively titled Everything KEWL.
I went to the KEWL website, hoping to find all sorts of silly fodder. As soon as my eyes hit the page, however, I realized that to beat up on KEWL was to beat up on my own childhood.
Small-town Minnesota, 1974. I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom. Next to me was Shannon, the daughter of my parents’ friends. Shannon was a year older than I was, hailed from a nearby big city (population about 10,000) and was as mature and worldly as you can get.
Spread out on the floor in front of us, and all over the bed: eight hundred issues of Tiger Beat. Or Teen Beat. Or something like like.
Shannon had brought them with her.
Browsing through the magazines, she quizzed me: Who was my favorite Osmond brother? Who was dreamier — Peter Frampton or Leif Garrett? If Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy called me to go out on a date for the same night, what would I do?
I don’t remember what I said to her. But I do remember thinking: who cares?
And that may have been my first realization that I was Different from the Popular Girls.
Even after thirty-odd years, some things don’t change: The KEWL website tells us that Zac has fulfilled a girl’s lifelong dream — Have Dinner with Donny! My Libra “crush match” is Ashton Kutcher — Take this quiz to see if you should marry Leif!
And look who’s sponsoring: Bonne Bell Lip Smackers.