Two Knives

HealthPartners Health Center for Women here in Minneapolis has a clever new marketing, uh, campaign? Branding effort? Whatever.

I received a clear plastic tube in the mail with a look-inside-for-our-gift-to-you note. Rolled up inside is a thin mousepad, the kind you can slip a photo into. Nice. Something I might actually use.

The special offer is even better. If I stop by their office before the end of the month, I’ll get a FREE OPTICAL MOUSE. So I can use it for 24/7 appointment scheduling. Cool.

Now, here’s where I’d normally go on with a generic statement about evils of marketing and the downfalls of this particular campaign. For instance, I might say something like “Thanks, HealthPartners, for adding 800 (or is it 800,000?) plastic tubes to our local landfill!”

Or I might say, with righteous indignation, ”Does HealthPartners really think that a free mouse is going to help me determine which doctor I see?”

But not today. Today, I’ll just say: HealthPartners, if you want my business, you might want to get my name right.

My husband’s last name is not my last name. It never has been. In fact, our health insurance has been under my name, as the primary provider, for just, oh, fourteen years or so.

Mind if I call you “HealthCross HealthShield?”

Oh, and thanks for the mousepad.